Scared to death

My son wake up about 6AM today crying, He had a dream in which my wife and I separated and he didn't know who to live with. I told him there was nothing to worry about, and truthfully, there isn't. Now I can't shake a feeling of dread.

Not about our marriage, but just about everything else. If an eight year old boy can have such thoughts streaming through his subconscious, what demons are lurking to plague his 52 yr old father, a person who's self-esteem and confidence in himself has always been seriously in doubt.

Since our encounter this morning, I have been awake with a knot in my stomach (the nervous kind, not garlic). How can I convince him that everything is going to be okay when I can't convince myself. I spent the last hour updating my online resume hoping to get back into a job that might pay more or at least would not cause me to dread going to work every day.

I want to be the provider for my family that I should be at this time in my life. I know that I have to work harder than ever to do so. My resolution for this year is to do everything I can to eliminate the fears and doubts of my family and myself.

Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.

The $10.00 Question

On my way home from work the other day, I came upon a $10 bill on the sidewalk. I did what any normal person would do; I pounced on that sucker like a rottweiler on a raw steak. I congratulated myself on my good luck although a small portion of me was disappointed that it was only $10.00. I am not proud of that.

Then a thought came to me. Who's money was this? Was it someone who really needed the money, or was it someone who would barely note the bill was missing. I waited about 10 minutes, almost hoping to see someone frantically scouring the ground for the missing bill so I could return it to them. No one appeared, so I pocketed the $10.

It's still there.

It says a lot that this minuscule sum actually can make a difference in my finances. It's not much, but it's a meal, it's carfare to work. Should I spend it on myself? Should I give it to a homeless person or stuff it in a Salvation Army kettle? Or should I just look at it as a bit of good karma? Of course, my good karma means bad karma for someone else. Did they deserve to lose the cash? Did I deserve to find it?

Opinions, please. No judgements from me on what you say.

All good things and all that crap

Did you ever wish out loud that there was no evil or suffering in the world, only to have some dumbass say. "If there were not bad things, you wouldn't be able to appreciate the good things" or words to that effect?
What a putrid, stinking, steaming pile of bullshit that is. I'd like to give it a try.

I get along better with animals and small children. They demand little but basic kindness and attention, and they don't judge you by your job or clothes or car, just that you're there for them. Much easier than dealing with adults.

I'm fifty-one years old, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Have you ever noticed adults asking kids what they want to be when they grow up? They aren't making conversation; they're looking for advice.

I look at the bookcase next to my desk, and I see books on the space program, baseball, movies, cartoons and science fiction. When did I stop maturing? I think it was at about 17.

I still don't drive. I don't know why, I just don't. Perhaps someday....

I prefer wine to beer lately. Wine gets me drunker faster. Beer just fills me up. Coincidentally, I have developed a taste for bourbon. Not often, but occasionally.

I am so gald that my kids don't watch Yo Gabba Gabba or Dora the Explorer any more. Those of you without kids, count your blessings. Add Thomas the Tank Engine to that list. Those damn trains are always pissed off at each other.

Our space program is officially kaput. Is everybody well fed and out of poverty yet? Didn't think so....

Planning  a little get together for my wife's birthday this saturday. If you're in the neighborhood, drop by!

Random thoughts

I have a resignation letter on my computer at work. Every day, I change the date and hope it will be the day I can finally hit "Print".

I work in customer service. The other day, a customer asked me my name, and I nearly said, "Ja, dis is Peggy."

If my career path could be diagrammed on a curve, it would make Steohen Hawking's head explode.

My kids tell me every day how much they love me. Then they disobey every single thing I tell them to do.

I am writing a blog. I should be hitting the job search pages. Actually, I should be making dinner. Neither is too appetizing at this point.

Why couldn't reality TV have existed when I was 20-25? I was as obnoxious as the Jersey Shore knuckle-draggers.

My upstairs neighbors must die. I hate them.

A friend of mine posts these optimistic FB statuses all the time. I can't even fake it anymore. \\

I need a break before I am broken.

Depressed yet? Then my work here is done...

No it's not. Not even close.

Time to make the salmon and glazed carrots.  Yum.

Posting for posting's sake

Why do I post? Why not? Random thoughts.......if only I had some right now. Ok, working on about 3 hours sleep. Made it through Rescue Me despite two glasses of wine. Kids need not only go the f*** to bed, they have to STAY the f*** on bed. Today, work didn't totally suck, which frightens me to the core of my being. I'm drinking too much wine lately and I don't care. I'm what you call a cheap date. The saddest thing is that the only thing I do reasonably well is stage manage community theater shows. Surprisingly, there's not much money in that. Both republicans and democrats totally suck. I'm thinking of running for office on the No Nude Pitures ticket. I predict a landside victory. I'm semi-serious. I can't do worse than the assholes running things now, can I? I owe no one anything. I don't do the favors thing, and I hate bullshit. I might actually win, Who's voting for me? Hey, I could use the money.....

End of an era

I am a child of the 60's, born when Eisenhower was President, fer cryin' out loud. I grew up watching brave men put their trust in our former enemies mingled with amazing visonaries and hurtling their pink little bodies into the unforgiving void of space. I wanted to be one of them. I still do.

However, at shortly before 6AM on the 21st of July 2011, our manned space program will come to an obscene and absolute halt. If I want to fly in space, I'd better brush up on my Russian, because that's the only way we're getting out there for the forseeable future. We will have to hitch rides with the same losers that we beat in both the space race and the cold war. Never felt prouder, grumble, grumble grumble......

All I can say is that by late next week, everybody better be well fed and out of poverty.